you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
