He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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