i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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