dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
