FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
