its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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