walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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