I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
