im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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