Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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