I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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