I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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