am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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