She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize