My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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