I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
