i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
