but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
