he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
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on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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