hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
