I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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