Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
