I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
