Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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