soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
