I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
