Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
