When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
