I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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