Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
