are you still at the devil's house?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
