conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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