new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
