i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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