my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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