my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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