Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
