I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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