There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I didn't shave. On purpose
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Someone shattered a urinal.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
