Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
