I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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