Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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