Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.