Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
