I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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