I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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