woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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