Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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