Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
