Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
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And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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