I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
