Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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