god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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