dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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